Conjugal violence can be identified by a series of repetitive acts, which usually increase in frequency and intensity. This process is known as the cycle of violence; which is characterised by increasing tension, abuse, rationalization, reconciliation and a calm period (For more information on the cycle of violence consult: Part II: Cycle of violence).
It is a consequence of inequality between two partners; whereby one partner dominates, manipulates and controls the other. Also, it is important to remember that anyone can be a victim of conjugal violence, regardless of social class, age, cultural origin or religion.
Victims of conjugal violence can be subjected to:
- humiliation
- isolation
- harassment
- intimidation
- threats
- depreciation
- physical and sexual violence
- emotional blackmail
- financial control
The abusive partner may also restrict their partners’ independence by controlling their income and expenses as well as spying on them during their daily activities. Finally, it is important to remember that a partner’s dominance over their partner might extend to a psychological level, making it extremely difficult for them to break free from their abusive relationship.
Remember: Although a partner may try to use alcohol, drugs or stress as a justification for their violent behaviour, they ARE NOT and they CANNOT be used as an excuse for their actions!
Verbal Abuse: It is when someone uses their words to assault, ridicule, manipulate, dominate and/or degrade another person. Verbal abuse is a way of controlling and maintaining power over another individual. It can be direct or very subtle. Examples include :
- Screaming or raising their voice
- Blaming the victim for their actions
- Insulting
Psychological Abuse: It involves using verbal and non-verbal communication to try to control someone or to harm them emotionally. Similarly to verbal abuse, psychological abuse can be subtle or more aggressive. It can include :
- Isolating the person from friends and family
- Humiliation, intimidation
- Threatening the victim directly or indirectly (e.g. if a spouse threatens to kidnap or kill your children)
Sexual Abuse: It is characterized by any act that is sexual in nature and is unwanted by the other person. When an act is unwanted, it means that there is no consent. A lack of consent can be expressed either by saying no or by any act of disagreement such as pushing your partner off of you or simply showing signs that you are uncomfortable. Consent can also be taken away when a person changes their mind; for example, you were into doing something at the beginning and change your mind afterwards.
Keep in mind : Consent should always be obtained without force!
Sexual abuse can include :
- Unwanted sexual touching
- Rape
- Harassing someone sexually (at the workplace, at school, in the street, etc.)
- Forcing someone to send sexual pictures
Physical Abuse: It involves a person intentionally using force against another to cause, or to potentially cause, harm or injury. When physical abuser is present in the relationship, it is very likely that it is coupled with verbal, psychological or sexual abuse. It can include :
- Biting
- Punching
- Pushing
- Hitting
- Slapping
- Kicking
- Confinement
- Threatening with a weapon
- Death threats
- Throwing objects
Economic Abuse: It is when one partner limits access to financial assets in order to control the other partner. Without access to financial resources, the survivor’s options for separating may seem insurmountable. It is when one partner limits access to financial assets in order to control the other partner. Without access to financial resources, the survivor’s options for separating may seem insurmountable.
Examples of economic abuse are:
- Preventing or highly discouraging the partner from working
- Controlling the partner’s finances
- Confiscating the partner’s paycheck or source of income
Spiritual Abuse: Spiritual abuse is when someone uses spiritual or religious beliefs to hurt, scare or control you. It can include forcing a person to practice a certain religion or it can be used to forbid them from practicing their desired religion. Spiritual abuse can take many forms such as:
- Threatening or intimidating a partner to practice or not to practice a religion
- Preventing a partner from going or forcing them to go to a religious institution (e.g. church, mosque, etc.)
- Denigrating the partner’s religion
Religious abuse: It is abuse administered under the guise of religion, including harassment or humiliation that may result in psychological trauma. It can include :
- Using scripture or beliefs to humiliate or embarrass you
- Coercing you into giving money or other resources that you didn’t want to give
- Forcing you to be intimate or have sex and basing it on religious scripture
- Made you feel pressured or obligated to do things against your will and using religion to justify it
Although, there are a wide range of emotions that a victim might feel, the following is a general perspective of how you could feel:
- You might be in constant fear of your partner
- You might feel alone, helpless, tired or afraid
- You could be depressed and confused as a result of your partners actions
- You could be fearful for the safety of your children
- He might often blow up over small incidents
- He might be extremely jealous and might often claim that his jealousy is a sign of love for you
- He might isolate you by devaluing your friends and family in order to cut you off from all social support
- He might hold stereotypical views about gender roles in society
- He might believe that it is okay for him to use violence to solve conflicts
Children exposed to conjugal violence experience a roller-coaster of emotions. The consequences of exposure to violence on children vary by age group.
- Effects on infants:
- Can range from being easily startled and fearful
- Effects on school aged children:
- Can have low self-esteem and difficulty concentrating in school
- Effects on adolescents:
- May experience depression, anxiety and may turn to drug use as a means of numbing their emotions.
Children, who are witnesses to conjugal violence tend to learn poor coping strategies and are more likely to normalize violent behaviours which can lead to their own unhealthy and abusive relationships. While each child’s experience with violence is unique, stopping exposure to violence is the best thing you can do. With support from family, friends and social workers your child can thrive!